#003 Unmasking Purpose: 3 Reasons Men Must Face Their Fears
You’re either fighting your fears, or you’re fighting yourself.
“He realized something that he never knew: If you are afraid, there are things you can do.
Instead of hiding or running away, Stand up and face what makes you afraid.”
Mikey and the Dragons by Jocko Willink
We’ve all had someone tell us that we need to face our fears, but have you ever asked why?
After all, there are some serious upsides to not facing fear – just going about your life – avoiding problems at all cost.
No responsibility
No suffering
No rejection
No pain
Problem solved.
So why not approach life in this manner instead of facing the pain and suffering that potentially comes along with facing your fears?
As much as I don’t want to admit it – I’ve been afraid of many things, far too often. Here’s 3 things I’ve realized.
First, it’s not that bad.
This one is pretty obvious.
We’ve all had experiences where you play something up in your mind that later turns out to be a dud.
Remember the first time you went to the doctor as a kid to get a shot? Most kids act like the doctor was coming to remove their arm with a butter knife.
Then afterwards, they realize it was just a quick pinch. Certainly nothing to get worked up about.
But, there’s actually a little more to this than I originally thought.
How many times have you heard people say:
The sky's the limit…
We’re in the land of opportunity…
You can do anything you set your mind to…
But as soon as you share some lofty goal (which is a vision of your best future self), that person immediately shoots it down as too risky, too hard, not worth it, etc.
Now how many times have you internalized that message and ended up not doing whatever you set out to do because in your head you convinced yourself they were right?
Bad decision.
We internalize other people’s ideas of what is hard or difficult and let that affect our lives in a way that keeps us from facing our fears.
Before I became a firefighter, I can’t tell you how many people made a point to tell me how difficult it was to get hired.
Yes, it was competitive (at the time). Most places had hundreds of applicants for just a few positions.
But, that was them dumping their own fear and insecurity on me.
I even had one person tell me it was too hard to get a full time job in firefighting and instead should just apply to the post office.
Yup, the post office…really!?!?
All this to say we have to fight the battle on two fronts.
We have to fight not only our own brains from overplaying fears, doubt, and insecurities but we have to fight against the fear, doubt, and insecurities others inadvertently (or sometimes knowingly) dump on us.
Either way, you can’t opt-out of the fight.
Second, fear points towards purpose.
This took me a long time to realize, and when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
When you’re scared of something, you inherently give that something meaning.
For better or worse it is now significant to you.
What you may not realize is that the other side of your fear is where you find purpose. Thus, systematically facing your fear alleviates the feelings of confusion surrounding the meaning of your life and purpose for being here.
I get frustrated when I hear someone give advice to young people and say something empty like, “Follow your passion.”
Side note: I don’t particularly like the word passion. Similar to motivation, it seems like a fleeting concept – here today, gone tomorrow. Whereas the term ‘purpose’ is more concrete – think of it like being tasked to complete a mission that only you can complete.
I’m frustrated, not at that person, but at the fact that the expression ‘follow your passion’ usually just makes people feel more lost because it's like sending someone on a trip without a map.
Where should I start?
How will I know when I found it?
What should I do when I discover it?
Where do other people usually find their passion?
Meanwhile, we live in a social media dominated world where we get the perception everyone supposedly has found their “passion” and are living their best lives.
Nonsense.
Now, when you embark on that new found purpose it’s scary.
In fact, you may get hurt, but if you stay in the ring long enough the rewards are infinite.
We all know this inherently. This is why every movie, book, TV show, and really every story ever told follows the same storyline:
Act 1: A character facing a problem (usually in the form of fear),
Act 2: Who overcomes it, and
Act 3: Wins the day.
We’re all captivated by that same storyline because in our hearts we see ourselves as that character – fighting our fears and winning the day.
Third, you’ll never escape the war.
This is the point I really want to drive home in this newsletter.
Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.
You either go to war with your fear, or you go to war yourself – either way something (or someone) will be destroyed in the process.
When you go to war with yourself long enough you may end up with feelings of anxiety, depression, nihilism, insignificance, hopelessness and cowardice.
To make matters worse, you’ll feel like shit and probably have no idea why. Then, those feelings manifest into self destructive behaviors.
I dealt with this for years, and still do from time to time when I procrastinate about doing something I know I should be doing, simply out of fear.
I feel worse about myself and catch myself turning to self-soothing, low level dopamine producing behaviors to “ease the pain.”
Eating crap food
Scrolling through social media
Seeking out addictive bad habits (eg. dipping)
All the while justifying it by telling myself something like, “I deserve a break.” Or, my favorite, “I’m actually being productive trying to research content on social media.”
Even worse you’ll catch yourself engaging in these self destructive behaviors and not even realizing you’re doing them.
Be honest, we've all woken up from a food coma 10 deep in a baker's dozen of donuts... No? Just me?
But, seriously.
The mind is an incredible excuse machine. It does its best work when it is ‘protecting’ us from our fears.
So, if you can’t escape the fight you may as well be fighting something you fear. Because when you do, your life – and the life of those around you – will improve.
This point cannot be understated.
Over time, your self destructive behaviors and negative feedback loops hurt everyone around you – not just yourself.
As heartbreaking as it is to say, there are many people who simply don’t care about themself.
Perhaps you’re one of them?
You’ll often hear them say things like, “It doesn’t matter.” Or, “What’s the point?”
It matters because even if you are in a place where you don’t care about yourself, I bet you care about someone – or at least something.
Your nihilism and self destructive behavior is hurting them — even if you don’t realize it. I don’t believe that most men do this purposefully.
I truly believe most men want to do good things for others.
The ultimate example of self destructive behavior hurting others is the visceral reaction of a family member when they either witness or learn about a loved one committing suicide.
There are truly no words to describe it.
The Question:
What is your smallest fear, and what is one small step you can do today to address it?
Use that question to give yourself a specific starting point AND set the bar so low you can’t fail.
Thus, helping you build momentum.
If you’re in a place where you still don’t see a point facing your fear(s), whatever they may be, at least try to do it for someone else – a friend, a loved one, even your dog will do.
I say this because as Bill Wilson (co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous) once said:
“You can’t think your way into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.”
In other words, get out of your head and take one small action to face your fear.
And in case nobody has told you, we need you to be your best self.
You can do it, you got this.